It's 3 a,m. and I can't sleep....

What gives... I can't sleep... woke up around 0130 and had to tinkle... and now nothing. I started thinking about work, evals, how did mine bomb... I didn't realize I would be picked and pulled apart... a part of me just didn't want to hear it and was butt hurt by it... my self-sabotaging self wondered how I had gone so wrong, first to the Sailor and second the the Chief who's there representing us... I steered him wrong and this is what is keeping me up... I failed people... a few... I should have kept my mouth shut and stayed at work.

OK no more debbie downer stuff... I could get stuck here for days... and I will no doubt linger on it for a while... I would call the Chief and apologize if it wasn't stupid dark thirty.

Things eat at me. Things never bother Neil... I wish I could be more like him sometimes. Is it confidence? Is it just his maleness or is he really sensitive in there but just doesn't let anyone else see it. sigh... then there is me... over sensitive... and it sucks... and I know it. It's a weakness... I wonder if there is a self-hypnosis tape for that. I have been practicing my hypnobirthing but I feel like I keep falling asleep, I feel calmer lately but I hope I am getting something out of it. Neil hasn't been reading me the scripts, so it's the one hypnosis suggestion that is going to have to work if this baby comes soon.. we will see I suppose.

I go to the doctor today at 0730 and he is going to do an exam, so we will see if I am dialated. If I am he said he would strip my membranes... so we will see more later.

Oh also I am on the web! http://www.crystalooneys.com/gallerybellyandbodypainting.html

Ok why did I think of that.. because today at about the same time I got two missed calls. One from Mom saying she was having sympathy cramping (she is postmenopause so there is no reason she should be having any contractions) and then Crystalene called me too saying she was thinking of me all day. Wild huh? And this evening I have a bought of severe nesting and I have been cramping all day. I suppose we are almost there! I have had back aches, I can't get comfortable, I can't get rid of this indigestion though either... and who knows if the evals are really what's keeping me up or what...

Sigh.. I am going to turn the tube on and get off the internet before I waste my whole night here... sigh... night night...