Real friends, real enemies.

In talking with a lovely friend of mine over lunch we discussed the things that only friends and true friends would talk about (you know who you are). Now in the mere act of having that conversation arose my deep jealousy over anyone that has a connection and why I don't I have more of these, or why don't I grow more of these. Then I realize.. I have let the Navy get in the way more often than I ever should have let it.. and just as my Japan BFF would know.. man we keep a lot of crap in our lives and need to keep more "quality" in our lives. This leads me to live the quality over quantity life. So I have no real friends that I talk to on a day to day that are close enough for me to go and throw down and cry in front of (aside from Neil, but he doesn't count). I realize that I can't just call Alisha who is floating around at sea and Mom can be overly sensitive when discussing certain topics so I have to avoid those. But Alisha.. my dear, if you are reading, I love and miss you dearly.. my dear Alisha, tatoo wearing, man-boy loving Alisha... hey some like it hot.. and we have been there done that, we are friends for life. I can call her and she will know exactly what I need to hear by the tone of my voice, not by the words that I speak and vice versa. She knows me, she has hated me, as I hated her when we first met, years passed and in our second meeting it was a match made in heaven after a few snotty looks and nasty comments. We were chemistry, friends, fight, love, hate and it was ok... we had fun, we shared good and the bad, just unconditional love. It took a while to mold but to have that in my life, I can't be luckier... and somehow as I write this I am begining to feel better. I am fortunate enough to have one true true friend for life, I have one, and what more do I need. . . I wish she lived closer and well.. that will soon happen. Then why do I feel so lonely all the time... why do I feel like I need more.. or wish I had more friends, or wish that people didn't have to be such weinies. Maybe that's it, People are weinies in general, that I have learned in the last year and a half... and now with my innocence gone and my mental state slamming into the gear of reality... yeah.. life sucks... people suck... everyone is in it for themselves. Which is not always a bad thing, maybe I have it totally wrong... maybe that's what eats me up inside... stop giving already... start taking? Nah.. that will never be me, I take what I need and I put the rest back. Now as for my temper.. that needs to keep tabs, but do I have to be medicated? Can't I just mediate or something? Can't I turn that switch in my mind off? If only.

Alisha I miss you... Stephaine, I remember our days from Jr High.... Harm, the blazer is all I need to say... we had our days... and I miss our irreplaceable innocence. Wish I could hold on to it a little longer, but everyone just tells me I am naivee.